Me In You
by CileSuns92
Summary: One-shot. Set in the S&M period, early season 4, MerDer. An idea born from a quote, more inside.


**I was flipping pages in my English literature book and I stumbled in Oscar Wilde. I passed Dorian Grey and The Importance of Being Earnest, but I stopped at The Ballad Of Reading Gaol, reading random bits and pieces, like this one.**

_**Like two doomed ships that pass in storm **_

_**We had crossed each other's way: **_

_**But we made no sign, we said no word, **_

_**We had no word to say;**_

_**For we did not meet in the holy night, **_

_**But in the shameful day.**_

**I immediately pictured something Grey's related and, after thinking that I'm going mental, I pondered the idea of a one shot. Two, maybe three days later that's the result. ****It's set in early season 4, during the S&M Meredith and Derek agreed to pursue. Just a couple of scenes that flashed, reading the quote.**

**It's a beginning for their story, an one shot to lead them to an happy, committed relationship, because they both have issues the don't want to admit, but together they could be fine. I never meant to write more, the story can unravel freely from here, in your minds. **

**Thank you for taking your time to stop, read and maybe review. **

**Stay tuned for the updates in my other two stories!**

* * *

_Sex & Mockery? Not a good idea_.

We have met in the on call room twice in my 24 hours shift and the best moments had been after, when I was lying in his arms. His gentle hands holding me in place, steadily, lovingly. The same old twinkle of our nights at the trailer in his eyes. And I missed him, despite I was lying in his arms, I missed him.

I missed being spooned in his arms all night long, his stubble grazing my shoulders and my neck first thing in the morning, even his awful morning breath.

"What's wrong?" he asked, sensing my mood shifting, and in a split second everything seemed just like before. His deep blue pools almost pleading me to be open with him.

"Nothing, a long day" I avoided once more.

He kissed me, tenderly, not rushing anything, almost like some kind of habit and that on call room became the safest place in the world. I felt finally home.

His pager beeped and suddenly all the warmth and the safety were walking out of the door in a wrinkled, deep blue scrub.

"Wait!" I whispered, but he heard perfectly, oblivious to all the other sounds in the buzzing building. I moved closer, our bodies seeking comfort in each other's warmth, touching again as I smoothed the neck of his lab coat and we shared another tender kiss. His smile brightened and his eyes had a sliver of hope deep engraved in the endless blue.

'I love you' screamed his whole being and so did mine, mute, just the even sounds of our breaths breaking the unnatural quiet. It was anything but mockery in that exact second or sex what we had just shared, for what matters.

The light in the hallway brightened the dark room as he walked out with a tiny smirk on his lips, the unhurried jog he approached making him disappear around the corner, blurred at the edges.

My ringing pager pulled me out of my misery, announcing a 911.

As I was back at home, the house was quiet, everybody still working. The bowl of ice cream was melting slowly in my hands as I stared at the wall in front of me, sitting on the bed, no relief or comfort in shovelling icy spoonfuls down my throat. Sleep was nowhere to be found.

I paddled down the stairs like a zombie. It was cold and damp and rainy. _Damn Seattle __and its freaking rain_.

I came back upstairs numbly, after placing the comfort food back in the freezer. I felt nothing, the world kept spinning but I was standing still in a limbo between being with Derek and breaking up. I was stuck, immovable. Nothing mattered anymore, just surgery and I was slowly becoming like my mother.

My head fell weightlessly on the pillow, the soft covers nothing but comfortable, Derek's scent long gone from his side of the bed where I began sleeping regularly since he left. My phone rang insistently on the nightstand and I grabbed it, almost dropping it in the effort of snapping out of my numbness.

"Hi" Derek's voice greeted me, steady but shy, doubting my reaction

"Hey" I was genuinely surprised as calling at night wasn't included in our rules, relieved at the same time to hear his voice

"I know it sounds weird, but I have an emergency surgery in an hour and I was wondering if you want to scrub in" I could feel his hopeful tone, as he was probably sitting in his office, his legs propped up on the desk or maybe lying comfortably on his couch with a small smile on his lips

"I'm not on call" I answered dryly, trying to not succumb to his persuasions. _He always won anyway_.

"I know, but you are awake"

"Dr. Shepherd" he hated the title

"There are no other residents free and you want to specialize in Neuro. It's a pretty cool aneurysm" he didn't added please, but it was implied.

"Cool as?"

"Come here and you'll find out" _I hate you, brain man_.

"Okay. I'm there for the aneurysm, not you. And you'll report to the Chief Resident, I'm not getting involved in any of this"

"See you later Dr. Grey" he was grinning, even through the phone I could see it. His big, McDreamy grin that made me weak on my knees.

"Bye Dr. Shepherd"

_He freaking set a surgical date! You can't mess up dates with surgery!_

I grabbed my jacket and purse, ignoring the fact that I was wearing one of the oldest t-shirts in my closet and I looked anything but presentable. _It's not a freaking date!_

I found Derek in the scrub room and his features brightened as soon as his eyes met mine. He had the mask on, but I could see he was smiling widely.

"'Night Dr. Grey, thank you for joining the team" he said, pushing open the swing door to the OR. I let out a couple of deep breaths, calming down my nerves before entering in the room and standing at his right side.

"It's a good night to save lives, let's get started" he voiced, just like every other surgery and I felt at peace.

I watched his skilled fingers slice, clip and clamp with smooth movements, handling crises and fixing the 'really cool aneurysm', as he described it. His shoulders relaxed, his whole body following the swift gestures of his accurate, steady hands, his frown accentuating the hardest part of the surgery. I was mesmerized _and kind of turned on_.

"Want to close up?" he hinted, looking up at me. I couldn't handle the stare, his eyes burning into mine, the endless blue of his eyes taking me away in safe, forbidden places. _Focus, damn it!_

"I would be honored, Dr. Shepherd" I answered, my tongue furry.

He didn't left my side, carefully watching my hands operating, his eyes checking carefully my work, suggestions followed closely by appreciations.

"Good work tonight Dr. Grey" he smiled as we scrubbed out.

"Thank you for calling, Dr. Shepherd" I grinned as well, before dragging him out to an empty on call room. I didn't even had the time to close the door behind me before finding me pinned between his muscular chest and the door, his warmth radiating straight to my core, his lips working magic on my mouth, finding my neck and my collarbone as my fingers tangled his disheveled hair. He locked the door and moved my body to the bed, his fingers grazing my skin, beginning another round of what was anything but sex.

He called me, he wanted me there. _He wanted me, period_. And I wanted him, badly. Not just in the merely physical way, the beast was more than satisfied with out clandestine rendezvous, but the mockery wasn't as exciting as before, when we were together. I missed him.

We lied side by side short of breath, our chest rising almost with the same rhythm, our eyes filled with fading reflections of our lovemaking. I slowly moved closely, my hand grazing his chest at first, tracing undefined patterns on his warm skin. His arm wrapped gently around my back, his hand falling gently above my abdomen, over my hip, his point finger caressing in circle. _Safe_. My head rested over his chest, the sound of his heartbeat lulling me, calming my worries and slowly leading me to a peaceful sleep.

"What are we doing, Meredith?" he whispered, the first name basis almost mandatory after lovemaking. His voice reverberated in his chest with a comforting rumble. I sighed, closing my eyes.

"Having sex?" _wrong, wrong, wrong. We are making love_.

"Why?" _I have no idea_

"Because you're a sexy neurosurgeon?" I used the mockery card, clearly in an inappropriate circumstance.

"I mean it, Meredith"

'_I love you Meredith' could have sounded just the same_

"I don't know Derek" I sighed honestly, hoping he wouldn't push the issue.

"I can't break up with you" he admitted and I felt exactly the same.

"I'm broken, Derek"

"We are not" and his voice was hopeful again, filled with his usual brightness and comfort.

"I'm scared" I finally admitted, more to myself than to him. His hold on me tightened, his free hand caressing my shoulder down to my hand. I kept stroking his chest, trying to calm my racing heart. "I need you here" I gave away even more

"I'm here, I'm not going anywhere" he immediately replied. _Safe_.

"I came back for you" I whispered. He maybe realized I was talking about Elliot Bay, because he didn't pushed the issue, he just kissed the top of my head tenderly.

"I can't do this anymore" he sighed, his voice wavering at the end of his sentence and I clearly heard my heart shattering in million pieces.

"I can't stop" I tried to hold on to him.

"Neither can I"

My hand stopped tracing circles and stilled, my palm right next to his heart while he held me tightly.

"I'm not ready to let go" I allowed my mind to process, before it was too late

"Me neither"

Silence settled in the room, just the sound of our heartbeats filling it.

"Where do we go from here?" he asked, but there was no rational answer.

"I need to trust you" I suggested, hoping it matched his request

"I need you to stop living on a line between life and death" his breaths became deep all of a sudden, like he said something he was already regretting, afraid of my reaction, walking on eggshells once more.

"Okay"

"Okay" he echoed

"I'm sorry" I added, not really knowing what to say next

"I'm sorry too" he stopped, like he wanted to say more but he felt dissuaded by an invisible force.

"Tell me" I encouraged, knowing he was withholding. It was time to stop withhold and just share. Slowly, not rushing anything.

"I love you, Meredith Grey" mumbled, a small smile curling up his lips. Nothing wide and shining, but it was like he lifted off a burden all of a sudden.

Then I panicked, because I couldn't say it back, because no one else except him heard the three fateful words from my lips. I wasn't ready to say them again.

"It's ok, Mer, it's ok" as his soothing words were processed in my brain, I realized I was crying, my face nuzzling against my will on his chest. Then he cradled me in his arms, letting me sob as long as I wanted, both falling asleep in the process.

As I opened my eyes again, I was still in his arms, a wide smile playing on his lips as our eyes met. The light from the shades was dim and cloudy, classical Seattle, but the room was warm, his embrace safe.

"Thank you" I whispered, brushing away old tears with my finger

"You're welcome"

_I love you too_

* * *

**AN: Me In You, the title for this one shot had been borrowed by the namesake song of Kings of Convenience from the latest album Declaration of Dependence, a Norwegian duo you should seriously listen to. Their CDs can play endlessly and never get bored of them.**

**Here's the lyrics, because it fits somehow:**

_Crossroads: you're given the option  
To pass and look back at goals you've missed  
Rainbows or burning bridges  
If you squint a little more they look the same_

_But ooh, there's a little bit of me inside you  
Gathering what you've lost.  
And ooh, there's a little bit of you in everyone  
You can never keep it secret_

_Problems, lines on your face  
You smooth them out so no one can tell  
And with a straight back upon a stage  
you dance, dance hide the tremor in your hands._

_But ooh, there's a little bit of me inside you  
Gathering what you've lost  
But ooh, there's a little bit of you in everyone_

_And I'm watching you now  
I see you building a castle with one hand  
while tearing down another with the other_

_And I'm watching you now  
I see you building a castle with one hand  
while tearing down another with the other_

_And I'm watching you now  
I see you building a castle with one hand  
while tearing down another with the other_


End file.
